How to deal with negative feelings

Hello,

I saw your website and am hoping you can help. My partner and I have been monogamously together for 6 years. Recently, they have fallen for another person but they want to stay together, effectively opening up our relationship. I understand intellectually that people change and how this is brave and healthy for my partner but I am so deeply sad, angry and jealous. It’s been a month and I’ve seen no progress on these unwelcome emotions of mine. Do you have any tips for correcting these feelings?

Thank you for your help!
Hurt and Not Healing

 

Dear Hurt: It’s interesting that you say you want to “correct” your feelings because I don’t think feelings are ever “wrong” per se. They are simply the result of our natural reactions to changes, shaped by our past experiences. So my first suggestion is to not beat yourself up about having negative feelings – they are natural and simply the response you’re having to the current situation based on what you’ve believed and learned in the past.

With that in mind, the way to deal with such feelings is to examine the root of the beliefs that cause them. Let’s take them one at a time.

If you’re sad, is it because you see an open relationship as a downgrade to a closed one? Do you equate your partner’s request as a sign that they don’t love you any more? Open relationships can be just as fulfilling as closed ones, and are often more honest and authentic. And the fact your partner wants to stay together in the face of New Relationship Energy (NRE) is proof that they do indeed love you and want to be with you, difficulties notwithstanding. They’re leaving a six-year bubble of monogamy to try something new with you – that should tell you a lot about their commitment.

Let’s think about where your anger comes from. Is it directed at the new person for encroaching on your perceived territory? Is it directed at your partner for their wandering eye? Or are you angry because you’re afraid of change, of doing more work in your relationship? I think most times in these situations, anger can be traced back to the idea that one “owns” their partner, that they have claims on their time and anger comes from someone else “stealing” that property. Some people genuinely believe that relationships are based on mutual ownership. But in order to create a successful open relationship, one must let go of that idea of ownership and embrace the idea of individual agency, that each person in a relationship is a free and separate individual with the right to engage with others however they judge best. This engagement might include commitments to other individuals, but ultimately each person is responsible for their own actions in pursuit of happiness.

Jealousy – that’s the tough one, isn’t it? I think jealousy occurs when you covet something (e.g. your partner’s time) that you believe you have a claim to. This is different from envy, where you covet something you have no claim to (e.g. someone else’s musical talent). So once again, adjusting your idea that your partner’s time and/or sexual fidelity somehow belongs to you is the first step in dealing with jealous feelings.

Leon, what’s your take?

 

Hurt – I’m sorry you’re dealing with lots of feels triggered by this situation, but I’m glad you’re reaching out to understand them better.

While Mischa’s advice focuses on how to move forward, I want to look backwards and address the history of your relationship. I’m understanding from your original letter that you feel betrayed or blindsided by your partner’s actions, and if so I would start THERE, rather than jumping ahead to the future.

Trust is a crucial component of any healthy relationship. If you can’t fully trust someone, you can’t fully love them. Since you describe a six-year monogamous relationship “effectively opening up” by your partner’s falling for someone else, it doesn’t sound like you had much if any input or even advance notice of such a thing happening – and it would be more than within your rights to be furious and deeply hurt by your mono partner going behind your back to date and develop feelings for someone else. I wouldn’t try to pretend those powerful emotions don’t exist (or downplay them) if they do. You’d be justified in breaking up with your partner, regardless of whether or not you still loved them, if you felt this represented too large a betrayal of the monogamous relationship you shared.

This puts the ball in your court. Now, knowing all that transpired, if you still wish to continue/rebuild a healthy relationship with your long-term partner knowing it would no longer be monogamous, you’ll need to 1) re-establish trust with your partner, and 2) get yourself into the right mindset for an open relationship. Mischa’s advice addresses #2 by including some good tips for understanding and processing your emotions, but I think you’d first need to sit down with your partner and hammer out the issues surrounding #1 using open and honest communication techniques. Why did they go behind your back? Was there something they needed but weren’t getting? Why didn’t they come to you earlier? Do you each feel you can move forward in a healthy way? What would a healthy relationship now look like? What do each of you need to get from the other now, to feel safe again?

I have a feeling that once these and similar questions are discussed with your partner, and you start feeling like you’re on the same page again, you’ll naturally feel much better about moving forward with your partner – and those negative emotions will quickly be replaced with positive feelings like compersion and happiness.

Good luck!

How do I convince my girlfriend to be polyamorous?

Hi Mischa and Leon,

I’m just looking for a bit of advice. Basically I’ve been with this girl for over a year now and I’m polyamorous. I haven’t made it apparent to anyone before because my past relationships weren’t exclusive so there was never a problem.

I’ve tried to tell her that I want an open relationship but she gets seriously upset when I bring it up so nothing comes of it. I love her and don’t want to lose such a great friend but I haven’t told her I’m polyamorous and I feel like I’m really sacrificing a lot of my needs. I just feel a bit restricted just now as she thinks I just want to sleep around with other girls when it’s more than that.

How should I go about this? Specifically, how can I show or communicate to my monogamous lover why it isn’t a bad thing? I know she feels like she’s not special or that I’m dissatisfied with her when I bring it up but I need to make sure she knows that it’s not the case at all.

Thanks,
Stuck in the Closet

Dear R. Kelly:

People and relationships evolve over time – that’s natural.  People grow apart, too – also part of life. 

But you’ve known all along you were polyamorous but never told her – that’s a pretty big mark against you in my book. After all, if you knew you were never going to be monogamous with her (regardless of whether it would be from either staying casual forever, or being polyamorous), don’t you think that’s something she would want to know?  You’ve been hiding it for as long as you could, and you’ve been doing her a real disservice.  She may love you, but that’s based on over a year of her assumption that you’ll eventually climb the relationship ladder together.

It’s very likely, based on her reactions, that she will never be OK with you in an open relationship.  Your only chance MIGHT be to sit down with her and address some of her misconceptions about polyamory via a book, a TED Talk, or some mentor-like scenario which can break down poly into bite-size pieces whereby she might see polyamory from your perspective, including the specialness of a primary and your underlying bond, while reducing the impact of her entire life living in a society which rejects anything other than traditional monogamy.

But even if she says she’s willing to try, it will almost certainly be because she doesn’t want to lose you and is willing to compromise her true beliefs in order to make the relationship work, rather than that she’s “seen the light” as a true poly adherent.  My bet is you’re ultimately setting yourself up for bilateral frustration and disappointment if you try to push further with this partner.  But you brought it on yourself.

Mischa?

I don’t have much to add to Leon’s take on your situation, only just to say that I hope this experience has convinced you that dating in the closet works about as well for poly people as it does for gay people. 

I don’t understand when you say you’ve tried to tell her that you want an open relationship but you haven’t told her you’re polyamorous. Those two things are pretty much one and the same, so it sounds like you didn’t get to explain what ethical non-monogamy means. I’d encourage you to give her books, or take her to poly events and meetings so she can see that this is a workable, ethical and joyful alternative to a monogamous lifestyle.

If it turns out that she’s not into that lifestyle, then you have to let her find the relationship that she wants for herself and try to remain friends (if that’s what you both want). And the next time you meet someone, you’ll know that it’s best to be up-front about the kind of relationship you want before getting involved to the point where someone could get hurt.

Can this relationship be saved?

Dear Leon and Mischa,

So here’s the situation – me and the man I love have been at each other’s throats for weeks now; he’s poly and I have been monogamous to him. For the last month or so he’s been taking his ex on trips, leaving me home, telling me to basically eff off, but still wants me around (I think?). He hasn’t given me any closeness or sex or anything lately so I decided to take someone up on an offer while he was away with that ex. It wasn’t full on sex just some foreplay and getting a man’s attention for 4 hours.

Now the poly man I love who throws his poly-ness in my face is hating on me because I sought what I needed. Some more details: he’s full-on poly and I was monogamous until the other day when I went outside everything I believe to get a little comfort. He straight out told me he doesn’t need or want my permission to do anything and will not be asking for it. I didn’t agree to be anything with him; he took me for granted big-time and because he decided to be amazing to me for almost 2 years and I came to expect that.

Out of the blue he shames me, tells me he’s going back to full-on poly but he still loves me but don’t ask or tell him anything, because it’s none of my business. I am not perfect, I have an explosive short fuse, but only because he pushed me to there. It’s because he decided to start leaving me home, no sex, no love, and taking his ex out, whom he says he can’t stand or live with for more than a week at a time. Like now, he ran away from home yesterday because of our fight and where did he go? To the ex’s house. And he hasn’t come home yet, he’s a man-child. He said I restrict his movement, which is ridiculous, I couldn’t tell him what to do if I had super powers. I was so happy to be with just him, but when you start arguing all the time and then he uses it against you, tells you he doesn’t take you anywhere because your teeth need to be fixed, you ask to be held and he tells you to hold yourself!!!! WTF!!!

Signed,
Loving Woman Who Thought She Was Good Enough

 
Dear Loving Woman:

You’re in the all-too-common “mutually frustrating relationship death spiral.” You’re pissing each other off, each trying to make your partner miserable since you’re hurting but can’t seem to communicate in any other way than leveraging years of acquired knowledge into the most hurtful ways possible. (Your teeth?  Really?)

So… explain to me exactly why you want to save this relationship? This guy sounds incredibly immature, using his version of polyamory as an excuse to be a selfish dick. (Pro tip: polyamory and “none of your business” don’t belong in the same sentence.) That’s not polyamory, other than he’s apparently telling you where he’s going and what he’s doing. There’s that whole thing about AGREEMENTS and BEING ON THE SAME PAGE that he’s apparently forgotten. Plus throwing your playdate in your face – especially after he encouraged you to do it – is an uber-dick move.

Just because you love someone is not a good enough reason to stay in a relationship that isn’t giving you what you need – let alone is mentally abusive. You’re entitled to pursue what you want out of life, and if you want a connection with someone who is emotionally comforting, supportive, sexually satisfying, communicative, and most of all doesn’t act like this guy, go out and find one (or more than one!). Sounds like the totality of NOT being with this guy is way better than all his good parts combined. Jump back into the dating pool and consider the last two years the source of some very valuable life lessons.

Mischa?


I have to agree with Leon that it seems your relationship is in a lot of deep water. Based on recent letters to this column, it seems to me that quite a few people (mostly men, I have to say) define “poly” as a license to “love’em and leave’em.” Being poly does not give him the right to ignore and insult you, and you have the right to call him out for using poly as an excuse for his hypocrisy of applying different relationship rules for you than he does for himself.

One of the key tenets of polyamory is consent. People who enter into relationships with other people deserve to know what kind of relationship they are agreeing to, which is why honest and open communication is so vital. He sounds like he wants a relationship with you where he is free to come and go as he pleases, but when you try to do the same he objects. Do you consent to these unequal terms because he identifies as poly and you self-identify as monogamous? What if you were to identify as poly? Would that change the way he views your relationship?

Whatever the answer, you have to make clear what you are willing to agree to in order to remain in a relationship with him. But before you do that, I think you two have to address the current lack of genuine affection and physical intimacy that you’re describing. And frankly, the anger and emotional abuse you describe is atypical for a poly/mono relationship. I would suggest that you examine your relationship through the lens of a book such as Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (a current Amazon bestseller) because the early warning klaxons of abuse are all going off with the behavior you’re describing.

Good luck and be safe!