Category: choices

Cheating wife wants more from marriage

Hello there,

In the last three months, I’ve been cheating on my husband (more consistently) with an old flame from over a decade ago. The old flame is in an open marriage and so it was always safe for me because there were no expectations and I didn’t have to commit. The problem is NOW I want to commit to the old flame and my current husband. I can love both (a once proclaimed serial monogamous person) — and I think I am coming out. By the way, sadly I have never been monogamous in a relationship. I am for a while but then I get out because I need something more or else. I love to flirt and I love sex.

Here’s the issue — my husband is NOT interested in open anything and he wouldn’t even want to meet an old boyfriend as a “friend.” So that’s that. Then my married old flame loves me (he really does) but is very conflicted (because he thinks it’s amoral to love two people at the same time) — even though we are extremely close in every way. He revealed that he doesn’t love his wife anymore but staying out of loyalty (she doesn’t work) and for his kid. He has been retreating and advancing for years but came on really strong this time — so much that I have opened up completely. Now as I am expanding my heart and mind, he’s in conflict and turning me off with his lack of communication (and uncharacteristically giving me as little as possible). In my mind, I’m like Jesus Christ, gimme a break! I don’t know what to do…I’ve got two relationships where I’m not fulfilled. In the perfect world, I want them both.

So first question — How do I tell my husband that I need more without having him divorce me? (I have a small child.) Are there resources for tools? He’s a beautiful soul, great friend and father! I couldn’t ask for a better partner.

Second — How do I tell my old flame that he needs to love me for real or else I am not hanging around? I love him a lot but I’m not a doormat. I’ve loved him from the first time I met him over a decade ago. (He was married then and I was his first open partner.) I really hate to end things with either because I can think of this arrangement only now with them. Only my old flame could get me to open up from my monogamous marriage (as far as I know).

Third — am I crazy ? Meaning…am I asking too much from these folks, the universe? I love the companionship and friendship of one but I crave the sensuality and powerfulness of the other.

Sincerely,

Crazy in Love


Dear Crazy in Love,

You certainly have gotten yourself in a pickle, relationship-wise. I’m guessing that the main reason you got married is that, like many people, you didn’t think polyamory was a legitimate choice, even though it seems you know that lifelong monogamy isn’t for you. What I can tell you is that polyamory can work, but it’s hard when you’ve made choices that entrench you in a monogamous situation. So let’s take this one step at a time. 

First, you can start by explaining to your husband that, for whatever reason, you weren’t completely honest with him when you married him because you knew even then that lifelong monogamy wasn’t for you. But perhaps you loved him enough to think that you could change for him and you now realize that you can’t change who you are. But instead of a divorce, you want to work through this together, and he should listen to you at least for the sake of your child.

Ideal marriages are those where both parties can continue to grow, rather than holding each other back. Explain that this is the kind of marriage that you want. There are several books on polyamory, but I personally think it’s best to talk with other people in similar situations, so find a poly group near you to get support for yourself and your husband. You might also seek out a poly-friendly therapist for couples counseling.

Second, tell your old flame that there’s nothing amoral about loving two or more people, just like you can love both a mother and a father, or any number of siblings. Love is love, period. But even so, he says he doesn’t love his wife anymore, so what’s his problem with loving you now?

What IS immoral (in my opinion) is the act of lying to the people you claim to love. That takes away their ability to consent to a relationship by failing to disclose pertinent facts about said relationship. When a relationship is non-consensual, it cannot be moral.

Polyamory is often described as ethical non-monogamy, emphasis on ethical. So you’re not “crazy” for wanting more love in your life but sneaking around and deceiving the people you love isn’t the answer. You have the right to live without someone else controlling you, but you also have responsibilities to your husband and to your child, based on the promises you’ve made to them. Finding that balance between your freedom to love and your responsibilities to others is what relationshipping is all about. It’s hard work, but there’s nothing more rewarding when you can get it right.

Leon, over to you!. 


Dear C-Lo:

Congratulations on identifying your needs, and finding people to meet them! Those are two very important keys to healthy relationship building. Unfortunately, the next prerequisite is going to prove to be more challenging: making sure that your partners’ needs are being met as well.  

You’re not asking too much of the universe to get your needs met, but you might be asking too much of your current partners. Statements like “loving two people at once is amoral” and “won’t consider an open relationship” sound like pretty clear conflicts to your ideal. You’ll have to change their understandings and convictions somehow, or you won’t get your happy ending. 

It’s quite likely these people are too ingrained in their lives and roles to be able – or want – to change to fit your ideal. Besides, you’ve been cheating on one for years and aren’t on the same page with the other (btw, now that you’re emotionally available he’s backing off? Sounds like there are more issues there than you know or admit) – you’ll need to do some behavior management on yourself, before you can realistically expect any from anyone else.

You’re probably going to have to do some game theory analysis. How much of your current jerry-rigged situation are you willing to risk in order to get all your needs met? Honesty is the best policy and likely the only way to potentially get everyone on the same page – Mischa outlines some excellent suggestions – but either situation could blow up in your face and leave you with less than you have now. 

In a likely worst-case scenario, I imagine you’d probably be able to start honest relationships with new partners as a divorcee with an ex-husband with whom you share custody and who loves and cares for your child. You certainly wouldn’t be the first to realize that divorce might actually be a desirable option, rather than the last resort for pariahs and “failures”.

By the way, do you find it ironic that you are looking at your old flame’s staying with his wife out of loyalty and family responsibilities despite them not being compatible, in much the same way that he is probably looking at you? 

Am I POLY, or just HORNY?

You run a fantastic blog! Thanks for allowing us to ask these sensitive questions in safety and openness. 🙂

I read your excellent post on Open Relationships vs. Polyamory and, after examining my feelings and situation, I’m still uncertain as to where I fall.
I’ve been happily married for over two years. My wife is a delightful, open-minded and intelligent young woman who’s made no qualms about identifying as bisexual with strongly lesbian tendencies. While I tend to identify as straight as I feel no physical attraction to men – there are some very handsome guys out there, sure, but I don’t feel anywhere near as compelled by them as I am by women – I do feel strong attractions to women who aren’t my wife. I used to chalk this up to either animal instinct or (in a few cases) old emotional attachments, but as time has gone on I’ve felt such things towards women I’ve had no past history with.
The other thing that belies the “it’s just horniness” argument I keep trying to use on myself is that these ladies to whom I’m attracted invoke emotional reactions as well as sexual. Not the deep and abiding love I have for my wife, mind you, but the sort of bonds I forge with close friends. I care about them, delight in their triumphs and want to comfort them in their sorrow, make myself available to them and wish them every measure of happiness. In short: I’m not just looking for fuckbuddies.
I come from a very Christian upbringing. I still hold onto the barest of tenets of that faith – loving God, loving my neighbor and testing everything so I can hold on to what’s good – so for a long time I’ve considered such impulses and feelings to be wrong. The more I embrace them, however, the more at peace I feel. I feel more comfortable in my own skin knowing that I make women happy, even if they’re women who aren’t my wife. I think this might be pointing me in a direction I’ve never considered. I may, in fact, be poly.
I feel strongly about freedom, about the rights of the LGBT community and how, especially in a country founded on liberty and a lack of persecution (in theory), people should be free to love, live and interact as they see fit as long as nobody’s getting hurt. But I don’t know exactly how to deal with this other than just going with my feelings. Have other polys had experiences like this, sort of a ‘coming out of the closet’ moment? Am I poly? Or am I just putting emotions behind normal straight horniness and overthinking the situation? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts.
Sincerely yours,

Confused And Restless

Dear CAR (No relation to K.I.T.T., right?):

Here’s an interesting question for you in response to your question for us. Is our sexual orientation determined by our actions, or our feelings? If someone is born with a preference for homosexual eroticism, but never acts on it, are they “gay”? Conversely, could a straight person choose to have a homosexual experience, and still be “straight”?

If you believe that “being poly” means acting on your feelings, then you might not be, if you haven’t done so. That might make you repressed, and possibly affect you psychologically or manifest in other ways, but it doesn’t make you polyamorous.

If however you believe that being poly means having emotionally-charged feelings for multiple people, then – yep, you’re poly, regardless of how you might attempt to rationalize those feelings away. If you FEEL what you describe, you’ve proven that you’re capable of feeling that way. Of course, actually living a poly lifestyle and being in a poly relationship involves consistent honesty, openness, and communication between you and your partner/s – who knows whether or not you are or will in the future achieve that type of relationship? But the answer you’re looking for within yourself, is yes.

And you’re not alone. I think it’s clear most humans are *born* poly. Most of us (here in the United States, at least) are socialized away from it from a young age by external ideals of what is expected of us regarding monogamous romantic relationships, and only some of us are able to re/connect with our natural ability to develop and maintain multiple relationships with lovers as well as nonromantic friends and family. It would be completely illogical to suggest that we have the innate ability to care deeply for many people in our lives, but somehow lose that ability when sex or romance is involved. It makes much more sense to look at polyamory as an inherent capacity, a plus to be nurtured rather than a negative to be repressed, without which we are in fact LIMITED to caring for one person at a time, not from choice but because we have no other options available to us. Many people see a poly mindset as an enlightened or enhanced one, which allows many more options than those who are biologically limited to monogamy. It’s like having a Swiss Army knife at your disposal rather than a straight blade. (Make your own “gay blade” joke here, if you like.)

Your thoughts as you describe them show you have the ability to develop and maintain multiple emotional relationships with different women, but you are also apparently concerned with what that might mean, for your intellect or for your faith. I think you already know which of those is likely to win in a fight over which “feels” right, but I personally don’t believe the two can’t healthily coexist. All I can tell you is you may still CHOOSE a monogamous path of action if you want to do so, but the fact you are feeling the way you describe tells me you are what you consider “poly”. It remains now to be seen how and whether you act on it. Personally, I always recommend total honesty and communication with your loved ones regarding your feelings; it luckily sounds like you have a partner who would be supportive.

Michelle?

It certainly sounds like your wife would be receptive to the topic of polyamory since she’s bisexual and presumably can understand how someone can find love in different people, even if she doesn’t actually practice polyamory. And I applaud you for your impulse to spread happiness outside your marriage – the world needs more of that, always.

I was in a situation similar to yours in 2007. I was in a relationship with someone who was married, and we explored a triad together, which later turned into a “V.” I chafed at being in this position until I discovered the poly community in New York and came out as poly in January 2008. That was when I got the vocabulary and the awareness that I was in a poly situation but still following a monogamous mindset; a dichotomy that was the source of my discomfort. I realized that in order to be happy, I had to align my beliefs with my reality as much as possible.

As Leon says, this is all about communication. Since you wrote to us, I figure you are looking for advice, so I suggest that the first thing you do is talk to your wife and find out her feelings about the possibility of opening your marriage. Your marriage is an agreement between the two of you, and it shouldn’t be altered without mutual consent. So if you think about your marriage as an agreement, what exactly did you agree to? Sexual fidelity? Emotional exclusivity? Companionship? Eternal friendship? Ask yourself what your marriage means to you first and then ask her.

Then it’s time to negotiate. Talk gently about what you want in your heart, for yourself and for her. Do either or both of you feel constrained by your marriage agreement? Maybe you’re just looking for explicit permission to form close relationships with other women, and maybe she wants the same thing! Maybe it involves sex; maybe it doesn’t. Start by figuring out what is the core of your existing relationship – what must be preserved to make you both feel safe and secure. What is the most important thing that you give one another? Whatever that is, make sure to protect it.

Beyond that, create a safe space for yourselves to talk about your hopes, dreams and fears. Establish up-front that nothing will happen without explicit agreement so you can talk freely without misunderstanding your intentions. Think about how you will feel if your wife starts dating a woman or another man – what would you need from her to keep your marriage strong? Make new agreements as you go, knowing that they can be renegotiated in the future so you can take things in small steps. For example, if you’re both not ready to be poly, make an agreement to revisit the idea in six months, or a year. Ultimately, your marriage will be stronger if you both feel comfortable talking freely about things that maybe previously you thought were assumed. This is one way in which poly techniques can be useful for monogamous people.

All that said, as Leon pointed out, you can choose to follow a monogamous path after you’ve had this talk – maybe that will turn out to be the best option for both of you. But at least you will know that you made a CHOICE, rather than just assumptions or accepting the status quo.

If the two of you decide to explore poiyamory together, I strongly encourage you to seek out resources to help your find your way, either from several books available, your local polyamory group chapter, or come to an Open Love NY event if you can travel. Every relationship is unique, but it’s always good to see others’ mistakes so you can avoid obvious pitfalls. Getting support for a lifestyle that is not always accepted by family and the larger community also increases your chances for success.