Category: dating tips

Newbie drowning in “Hunger Games” dating pool

Dear Mischa and Leon,

OK, so – help. I’ll spare you the intricate details, at least for the moment, and do my best to sum up my dilemma.

  • We’ve been together for 20 years.
  • We were each other’s first at 18 and have been each other’s only for all this time; vanilla.
  • Solid, faithful, best friends
  • We are living in separate apartments and will be still together, co-parenting, and attending as many Open Love NY events as we can, but also are very OK at the moment with the other dating other people on their own.

For me – I’m on OKCupid and I feel like I keep walking into the wrong classroom every time I message someone… or that I’m jumping into the dating game armed only with shit I’ve seen on TV shows and in movies while in real life it’s more like The Hunger Games. At least 75% of the 75% and above matches (even more so >90%) are very attractive bisexual 27-year-olds. Now, lol, as exciting as swimming in that dating pool sounds, and despite the fact that I don’t get nervous or embarrassed and can literally talk to anyone, I can’t help but feel some kind of hybrid of inadequate/incompatible/intimidated.

I don’t want to get chewed up and spat out, or simply not get any responses at all because I’m ringing all the wrong bells. What’s up with them visiting my profile, then liking me, and then ignoring totally reasonable, brief, and genuine messages? I’m like. . . but… mutual..?? OK, digressing… back on track:

  • I want to see other women who are open to the poly lifestyle.
  • I’m 38, never been on a date, and don’t know how to proceed.
  • Sex with another woman has been in my imagination for 20 years and boy it sounds fucking awesome, but what the shit… who is going to be #2?!  You know? Like, while I would love to have experiences with many more women in my life, I’m clearly not promiscuous. Are there support groups for this!? lol
  • And holy shit… someone told me that “do you want to come up for a drink?” is not even a thing! How the hell do you even … I’m clueless. lolol

OK. That’s it. Thanks in advance for any advice you can share and thanks for just… existing and having this site!

Volunteer Tribute

Hello Tribute!

May the odds be ever in your favor! But while my knowledge of young adult fiction and movies may be extensive, my expertise in online dating is not so I’m going to ask my good friend Chrissy (and current Open Love NY president) for advice before Leon chimes in. Chrissy?

First and foremost, cliché as it may be, find ways to relax! Let go of everything you’ve been told about dating and start over. Dating online means you can actively pre-screen for common interests and values. Create an inventory of keywords that have meaning to you and a list of non-negotiable deal breakers and use them in your profile. There’s a browser extension called OkCupid (for the Non-Mainstream User) that’s useful for filtering non-monogamous people. If you’re only getting matched with 27-year-old bisexual women, you can use the plugin to filter your age range accordingly and note what you’re looking for.

Your messages should be short, show proof that you read their profile and only used to establish first contact. Geek out over something you both like in a few sentences. Once you’ve exchanged a few messages, propose a drink, dinner or coffee. I find that the more thought and creativity you put into a suggestion, the more likely the person is to take interest and actually show up. Offer a suggestion that would excite you and leave it open enough for them to counter with a suggestion of their own. Don’t worry about the sex for now. Everyone’s body is different and it’s always a learning experience. We always start over with each new partner.

With your current partner, learn together but independently and share the info as you go. Enjoy community building together at in-person events (like Open Love NY events!) As you begin to navigate the community, you’ll likely be more comfortable navigating dates and talking about yourself and what you need. Welcome again to the dating world, and I hope to see you at future events!

Thanks Chrissy! Over to you, Leon!

 

Welcome back to the dating pool! Sounds like you’re afraid of drowning without your safety buddy, but like most things, it gets better – and more fun – with practice!

Instead of writing a traditional online dating profile, why not post a version of what you’ve asked here? Something that boils down to: “My partner and I have just opened up our relationship and I’m completely clueless as to what happens next! Anyone want to hold my hand and explore with me?” might actually get exactly what you’re looking for. Don’t try to play by default rules if you’re not familiar with them. Write your own! Have a friend (or better yet, your partner) recommend some good photos and help you tailor your profile to find the most compatible matches, not the highest number of people.

And for what it’s worth, online dating has SO many people on it these days, you’re bound to find what you’re looking for, as long as you’re asking for it in the right way. Hell, my mom goes on more online dates than I do, and she’s in her 70s. Worry less and get excited more!

And the bad timing award goes to…

Mischa and Leon-

First of all, THANK YOU for creating a place where people in all phases of discovering their preferred love and lifestyles – particularly one free from the LACK of anonymity attached to requesting to join the forum group on Facebook.

There are so many different ways of meeting people in the city- many of which haven’t been conducive to having an idea of where the person stands before the first date. I feel very torn between wanting to be direct, excited and unapologetic about it, and generally have brought it up on a first date. In some situations though, I feel like it has alarmed someone and throws a few great dates a bit off course.

So – my question- For those who are new discoverers of polyamory and not yet in any relationships- When is it common/most beneficial time to discuss the lifestyle with people you are dating?

You guys rock. I look forward to the continued reading. 🙂
Tentative on telling

Dear Tentative,

Thanks for the great letter! We’ve talked for a while about how to provide support for people who are uncomfortable being out enough to attend live events, so we’re happy people are reading. We’re always looking for ways to expand beyond what we’re currently doing and asking our members what they’d like to see from our organization.

As to your question, this is one scenario I actually don’t have a lot of experience with for two reasons. One is that I don’t date very often (insert sad violins here). And two, anyone who spends more than 15 minutes with me is going to figure out that I’m poly because of what I do with the majority of my free time. So just about the only time I “come out” to anyone is at work, and I’m certainly not going to date people in the office.

I know there are poly people who feel that you should come out as poly on the first date, but I don’t agree. Personally I think it’s arrogant and presumptive to say on the first date that you’re poly, because it’s like, “hey, I know we just met but I’m letting you know now that you’re going to have to share me in the bedroom because that’s where this is going.”

I think there are two rules of thumb about coming out. The first is – do it when it feels right. If there’s an opportunity to talk about your lovestyle, don’t lie or evade the question. It’s better to be honest upfront than to be later accused of hiding it when you had the chance to come out. And the second rule is when there’s any talk about actually having a relationship, then you’ve obviously got to come out. But until then, just enjoy the moment and let people get to know you as a person before you take a chance on shattering their blissful dreams of monogamy with you.

Leon, you date a lot more than me – what’s your coming out story?

Great, I’ve got that Diana Ross song in my head now: “Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii’m coming out, I want the world to know, got to let it show…” Thanks for nothing, Michelle.

To me, the key is to walk the fine line between being honest/upfront about things, and respecting the “getting to know you” process that can easily be upset by potentially big things (or big SOUNDING things) coming up too early in the conversation. Even if someone is potentially compatible with you (especially once they get to know and like you and are willing to take a leap of faith or two), there’s a big difference between dropping a bomb on someone right away, and working it into the conversation and feeling them out about it. (I’ll disagree with Michelle just a little bit here: if someone has blissful dreams of monogamy with you, I think those SHOULD be shattered pretty quickly. It’s like meeting a blind man at a KKK rally and not telling him you’re African-American until after you’ve been dating a while. Hooray for politically incorrect jokes!)

What I do when I meet someone new: We flirt, talk, etc. until it’s clear we are mutually attracted, and at some point I ask, “so, are you dating anyone?” When they return the question, as they invariably do, I say, “I’m actually seeing a couple of girls right now, but no one monogamously.” If they then ask for more information, I give it, in an open and matter-of-fact way; I have nothing to hide and I make it clear that I’m neither ashamed of my polyamory nor am I trying to sugarcoat it. Surprisingly enough, I find that many, many more people are impressed by it and my honesty about it, and even intrigued by it, than they are turned off by it.

I do try to have the full poly conversation before it gets ‘too far’ – but there’s obviously a lot of subjectivity in what constitutes ‘too far’. A good rule of thumb for me is that the more vanilla or conservative someone appears, the sooner I want to disclose that I am polyamorous. If someone wants to have sex on the first date, I feel much more comfortable NOT disclosing everything beyond the intro conversation I’ve described above, for two main reasons: 1) if they’re comfortable enough with casual physicality, they probably won’t be too put off if at all about my being polyamorous; and 2) they may not even be looking for anything beyond the casual physical experience, and if so, there’s no point in going into detail about my preferred medium- and long-term relationship structure. Conversely, if they seem to see me as potential boyfriend material, I definitely want to have a discussion about what poly means to each of us, before anyone gets involved enough to feel hurt.

In short, disclose whatever information feels natural as the conversation or relationship progresses, but when in doubt, err on the side of informing/not hurting the other person.